Friday, January 23, 2009
I often fall into a funk, better known as depression. I can sometimes even figure out the cause of my depression. Dealing with depression is usually much harder. I am quite struggling with it this week. My father may come up this weekend and that may help (at least for 24 hours) although it might not. Possibly getting what is causing the depression off my chest will help, although, I've tried twice and it hasn't yet.
Third time is a charm, right !?! My back pain in horrible I think I have blogged about that quite enough! So in September it became quite obvious that I had not choice I must apply for disability. I have actually worked for more then ten years and at times in my life held three jobs. So there has been one small glimmer of hope that my back might someday be fixed, I am not talking about a magical fairy godmother ushering me into a glass pumpkin but surgery. Super scary, back surgery. I have heard many, many stories of more elderly people have things done like replacing vertebrae’s in their back only to have 3+ follow-up surgeries to no relief of pain or to worsen it. Since, I am only 26 I have not really been up to the idea of several decades of even worse pain combined with potty training, class trips and all the surprises of parenthood.
On the disability form they asked if surgery could help me back. The truth is I have no clue; I haven't gathered up the money (at times I probably could have) and gone to see a surgeon because I was just not ready for that step. Well, I guess I am ready now because they are making me go see one, next Thursday, before they will make a decision on my claim.
So there are two outcomes. The first one is that my small glimmer of hope is crushed, thrown in the trash, decomposes into coal and burned to ashes. That would be great because then it is more likely my claim will be approved. Although, I was just not ready for my secret glimmer to become ashes, I just wasn't.
The other outcome is the one I don't want to happen (I think). They say that there is something that might work. Then I have to go through the super scary surgery AND my husband will have to get a second job to pay for it AND I'll have to recover with a toddler in the house. I would much rather deal with the pain but my toddler wouldn't really understand why her mommy doesn't pick her up like the other moms. She also doesn't get much time around other kids and that is not okay with me.
There is the small glimmer until sometime next month that they say something might work and that it actually does. It is so close to being turned to ashes though, that I can't even began to hold on to that glimmer. It is kind of like not getting on a ladder in a wind storm. You might not get blown down but if you do it is going to hurt so much more then if you were just standing on the ground. So as far as I am concerned when I got that letter that said I had to see the surgeon my glimmer was turned to ashes.
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Posted by Native American Momma Labels: Marriage and Life