Friday, January 23, 2009

Eyeore has taken over!

I often fall into a funk, better known as depression. I can sometimes even figure out the cause of my depression. Dealing with depression is usually much harder. I am quite struggling with it this week. My father may come up this weekend and that may help (at least for 24 hours) although it might not. Possibly getting what is causing the depression off my chest will help, although, I've tried twice and it hasn't yet.
Third time is a charm, right !?! My back pain in horrible I think I have blogged about that quite enough! So in September it became quite obvious that I had not choice I must apply for disability. I have actually worked for more then ten years and at times in my life held three jobs. So there has been one small glimmer of hope that my back might someday be fixed, I am not talking about a magical fairy godmother ushering me into a glass pumpkin but surgery. Super scary, back surgery. I have heard many, many stories of more elderly people have things done like replacing vertebrae’s in their back only to have 3+ follow-up surgeries to no relief of pain or to worsen it. Since, I am only 26 I have not really been up to the idea of several decades of even worse pain combined with potty training, class trips and all the surprises of parenthood.
On the disability form they asked if surgery could help me back. The truth is I have no clue; I haven't gathered up the money (at times I probably could have) and gone to see a surgeon because I was just not ready for that step. Well, I guess I am ready now because they are making me go see one, next Thursday, before they will make a decision on my claim.
So there are two outcomes. The first one is that my small glimmer of hope is crushed, thrown in the trash, decomposes into coal and burned to ashes. That would be great because then it is more likely my claim will be approved. Although, I was just not ready for my secret glimmer to become ashes, I just wasn't.
The other outcome is the one I don't want to happen (I think). They say that there is something that might work. Then I have to go through the super scary surgery AND my husband will have to get a second job to pay for it AND I'll have to recover with a toddler in the house. I would much rather deal with the pain but my toddler wouldn't really understand why her mommy doesn't pick her up like the other moms. She also doesn't get much time around other kids and that is not okay with me.
There is the small glimmer until sometime next month that they say something might work and that it actually does. It is so close to being turned to ashes though, that I can't even began to hold on to that glimmer. It is kind of like not getting on a ladder in a wind storm. You might not get blown down but if you do it is going to hurt so much more then if you were just standing on the ground. So as far as I am concerned when I got that letter that said I had to see the surgeon my glimmer was turned to ashes.

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  1. hi thanks for the comment in my post. I'm not really overweight but I gain 16 lbs. lol! yeah, it's a good idea to drink water before every meal. thanks so much.

  2. How scary this all must be. Perhaps there is something they can do and it will be extremely helpful. Honestly, I think the not knowing would be much more depressing for me - if you know the truth then you can deal with it and move on.

    I hope your dad does come up and you and dh can get away for dinner or something fun.

  3. It is scary and if I thought there was something I would have went in ASAP! Your right though it is "the truth" and looking at it like that sorta helps somehow!

  4. I truly hope that it works out well for you whatever the decision is. A very good friend of mine has basically the same issue though she's a lil bit older than you are and she very much wants the surgery in the hopes that her life will change and she will be out of pain.

    Best of luck, hugs to you.

  5. I hope things work out for you. Having surgery can be a scary thing but it it improves your quality of life it's all worth it. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care.

  6. Hi, surgery is a scary thing and I have heard the same things as you. Some people are worse off after and some are great. I haven't been following your blog but a few months so I might say something you've already thought about.
    Have you tried a chiropractor? I used to think that they were all hocus pocus and then my husband was having trouble with shooting pains in his leg to the point that he couldn't walk. Long story shortened, we started taking the whole family to the chiropractor. Hubby's leg pain is completely gone. My four time a week migraines are gone. And my kids haven't needed antibiotics since we started going. Just a thought you might want to look into if you haven't already.

  7. I have seen a chiroprator and they won't touch me with a ten foot pole. :(
    The one disc in my back that is slipped is rigt at the base of my neck. Sometimes I pop my neck and it causes my hands to tingle. I guess that scares them.

  8. Being in constant pain, even if it is low-level pain (which it sounds like yours is not) - will make you very depressed.

    I struggled with depression for years & years (I first remember having thoughts about "what is the point of life" when I was less than 10 years old). When I finally got help for it, I found out it is an inherited chemical problem that goes back at least 4 generations in my dad's family. And when I got help, everything else became easier to deal with. MUCH easier. Once depression knocks you off your feet, everything else is overwhelming.

    You are young & strong & I'll bet you would have a much better outcome with surgery than an elderly person who won't heal as well. And in the meantime, I hope you'll seek some relief for the depression. {{{hugs}}}


Thanks for your comments!!!